I’ve got washboard abs. Go ahead, get rid of your dishwasher.

“Tell me naughty things while I jack off. Say anything freaky, but don’t mention…”

“Half of me wants to do it, while the other half says, No, amputate the other si…”

“I have a bedroom rug that I feed. It’s not very flat, and it meows when I step …”

“I can’t even hear the phrase ‘Four score and seven years ago’ without thinking …”