I’ve wrestled an alligator before. It wasn’t alive, but I still pinned it down. I was trying to impress a woman, and I bet I did, because she went home with another man—but she was smiling, probably wishing he were me.

“I grew a mustache, and I grew it in my garden. My mustache is organic, and will…”

“I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out …”

“I want to be the Everyman and take an IQ test and get a perfect 100.”

“My 30th birthday will be arriving in a few months. It’s not arriving unexpected…”