Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. We made elevator music history until Marvin got his oboe caught in the door and Mrs. Hoffstead started singing "Yes We Have No Bananas Today" in the hall so loud the police were called in from Equador.

“The only thing better than being productive, is being reproductive.
”

“The military told me I had no depth perception. “What do you mean?” I asked. “I…”

“I clench your love in my butt cheeks, along with all my hard-earned cash.”

“I don’t wear boat shoes—I wear yacht shoes. It’s not just that they’re bigger, …”