Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely.

“I bought an oxygen tank, because with the global population at over seven billi…”

“My phone died, so I cremated it along with my grandpa. Well, he was taking up t…”

“I wear a mustache, both as a disguise—and as a cooter tickler.”

“I’m in like Flynn, as the saying goes. But why is it going? It just got here.”