Ma’am, I can take either you or your purse, but I can’t take both. And honestly, I’d rather take your purse.

“My heart beats to the rhythm of the windshield wipers. I’d better never drive i…”

“I bowl like I masturbate: with two hands. I should run for Congress.”

“Love speaks to the heart like a mime to a mute.”

“A candle that smells like asshole would be an instant hit in prison.”