More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement.

“A brick can and should be used as a telephone, because that way I won’t feel so…”

“Me and my girlfriend aren’t a good fit. Her clothes are much too small for me.”

“A blanket could be used to say hello to a man who’s not only tone deaf, but als…”

“These times are hard, and so is my penis.”