My cat’s favorite chew toy is a pen. I’d wager that he is a better writer than me.

“I tell people she’s a pile of apples, and that I can’t wait to get in cider.”

“Every time the sound of one of my farts reverberates in a toilet bowl, I think …”

“I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few ext…”

“If a woman asked me how far I’d go on a first date, my reply would be 69 miles.…”