My eyes are so close together that when I cross my eyes, my irises actually trade places. My skin is so craterous that Neil Armstrong annually rubs my face just to reminisce about his time on the moon. And my nose is so long that my penis is jealous. But enough about how handsome I am.

“I saw my hero. He was standing at the urinal next to mine. I didn’t know what t…”

“Bricks could be used to line the pockets of the politicians, the way the people…”

“Extended family is great. If you want to know how extended your family is, just…”

“If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. B…”