My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.


“Pet my 3:33 pm like it’s a beard. Live it, but don’t lick it.”

“I’m going on vacation, and I’m leaving my clone in charge. I’ll be gone, but I’…”

“I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.”

“I’m thirsting for fame. I’m so fucking thirsty. Somebody bring me a tall glass …”