My idea of vacuuming is borrowing someone's dog for the day and having them eat all the crap off the floor.

“Now it was my time to blush. Except that I’m a man and I don’t do that.”

“I feel kind of bad for calling him Twatwaffle now.”“You should feel bad,” I yel…”

“For once, I felt everything. And the biggest thing I felt was the way I felt ab…”

“If wishes were fishes, this whole place would really stink.”