My mom is all about risk vs. reward. So for example, if I were to go out on a date and have unprotected sex, the risk/reward would be possible STD for me vs. possible grandchild for her. Duh! Bring on the grandchildren!


“Me mating with a midget is like a skyscraper having sex with a cathedral. But s…”

“I’ve got ears like a rabbit, and a penis like a baby carrot—fully erect, of cou…”

“I’ll leave the door unlocked. Be sure to ring the doorbell before you climb in …”

“How do you seduce a whole continent? One person at a time.”