My wallet isn’t empty—it’s full of hope. Thanks, Obama!

“If I wanted to eat leftovers, I wouldn’t have taken a dump in the Tupperware.”

“Having sex on a motorcycle wouldn’t only be exciting, it’d be dangerous. What i…”

“Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could…”

“I remember my first cell phone number still. I may call it and ask to speak to …”