My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.

“There are many ways to kill someone. I prefer laughter, and doing it slowly, ov…”

“If I were a magician, I’d hand out broken compasses. It’s all about misdirectio…”

“I am cursed. Everybody around me dies. It just might take a hundred years for t…”

“Coupons are easy to counterfeit, so why not make a bunch of one dollar off coup…”