Necessity is the mother of invention. She’s also my mother, though Invention and I have different dads.

“I swam in the neighborhood peel. I mean pool. I guess I threw that pee in there…”

“I like watching baseball as much as my grandma’s left ear is loud. (She’d proba…”

“On our first date, you should wear a maternity dress, because I’m going to try …”

“I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worrie…”