Obese people have really begun to eat up a lot of my free time. That’s the skinny on my life.

“I asked my doctor for the best gift ever: Life. Still, he wouldn’t take one for…”

“Whenever I drink, I always have one too many. Of course, I only ever drink one.”

“On Halloween I like to scare up business the old fashioned way: with flyers, bu…”

“I’m ambidextrous. I can write just as poorly with either hand.”