On the card I wrote, “Thinking of you,” and the picture was of my erect penis. I hope my local congressman got it OK.

“If I worked at a Laundromat, I’d steal money, and if I worked at a bank, I’d st…”

“I keep a large map of the world hanging above my bed. Everybody wants to own la…”

“I don’t want to be the best man at your wedding. I have bigger goals than that!…”

“It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re h…”