Please, allow me a moment to put my penis back where it belongs. I should never have taken it out of its plastic wrapping before you’d finished opening all your other gifts.

“I’m so lonely, I just need somebody to call me—even if it’s a wrong number. I’m…”

“Now that parking meters have shifted from quarters to credit cards, I worry som…”

“Love is a trumpet, Donald Trump’s hair, and a turnip all turned up and facing w…”

“He’s only two years younger, but that doesn’t mean I’m not old enough to be his…”