Sandwiches come in shrink-wrap—therefore, I must masturbate with gloves on. Lunchtime! The coffee’s stale but the cream will be fresh.

“A brick could be used to grow your annual income by a factor of four. What, you…”

“It’s possible that I couldn’t handle the truth, but I sure wouldn’t mind fondli…”

“I just realized my reality, and I’d like to say No Thanks. I’m going back to sl…”

“A blanket could be used to cure the common cold. I mean, come on it’s just comm…”