She gave me the cold shoulder, so I heated it up in the microwave. Sometimes #love is leftovers.

“You’re as likely to see me sleeping on the job as a snooze is liable to grow le…”

“Would you agree with the statement: Love is a hamburger? If yes, would you like…”

“I bowl like I masturbate: with two hands. I should run for Congress.”

“I’m not a murderer, though I have killed off billions of alternate me’s. They d…”