She’s not showing any interest in me and she looks like she doesn’t want to be here. Should I take off her handcuffs? I thought kidnap victims were supposed to fall in love with their captors?


“It may be 9:01 am, and I may have a 9-5 business, but if you are a politician, …”

“He attacked me, so I had to slit his throat with a steak knife. But not before …”

“Roses may say “I love you,” but the cactus says “Fuck off.”

“One day I want to be so wealthy I can say to my wife, “let’s take a drive—to th…”