The best part about having kids is not actually having to have kids. Thank you, women.

“People say the early bird catches the worm. And it’s true! That’s why I work on…”

“I want to make love to the French Revolution. Or maybe just get some head from …”

“The sign said don’t do it, so naturally I did it. Signs are always saying stuff…”

“I would let you ride shotgun, but first I’ll need to reload.”