The couch was green, so I felt comfortable wiping my boogers on it. I just wish it had been brown.

“I’m underwater on my mortgage, and I have a flooded movie theater for rent. Scu…”

“My grandma came over yesterday, and I had just jumped out of the shower, so I a…”

“Love walked in the door like a dusty cowboy, and I looked that cowboy dead in h…”

“I can read people like an open book, especially if their named Braille, and I’m…”