The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.

“Men will tolerate what they are used to, even if it’s intolerance. That’s why I…”

“Last night I slept like a baby. In a crib.”

“An author named Arthur Arthurson would write about art, love, and road kill in …”

“If Twinkies grew on trees, as nature intended, then I would like to irrigate yo…”