The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.

“I am a tree, though I’m not a shady character. I’m like a tree in winter.”

“His last name was Morris, but I called him Mars, because it’s like he was from …”

“I wrote half this book (the left half) while I was asleep, and I wrote the othe…”

“How To Tweeze Your Way To Wealth, by I. Brows”