The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.

“I can play the trumpet, but only if I have a sufficient quantity of anal lube.”

“Salmon swim against my stream of consciousness.”

“I get the impression that people who wear too much cologne are hiding something…”

“He offered to pay me in agriculture, and I said I didn’t want that, I want mone…”