The wind chime sounded like a spoon clanging against a cereal bowl, and I was glad I was having soup for breakfast.

“I can’t marry a bisexual woman, because she might be having an affair with the …”

“I’m so old school I’m like a one-room schoolhouse—with no bathroom. I always ke…”

“I am excited to report that I may have gotten a job as an elevator attendant. I…”

“If somebody pushed you down a well, I’d rush over and toss you a bucket, becaus…”