To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: Free TV with purchase of potato chips and couch.

“She must have said wear flip-flops, but I heard flippers. I might not have been…”

“Would you mind terribly if instead of serving desert, I masturbated quietly at …”

“I’ve gone astray. It’s better to cook with a stray than eat your own cat.”

“By a simple show of hands, who here is wearing gloves?”