When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.

“What is your SPM (sperm per meal) content? A politician’s is very high.”

“I want a trophy wife, because the only thing I’ve ever won is a fourth-place ri…”

“I’ll take off my coat in the restaurant and drape it over my pants, which I’ll …”

“My friend isn’t big into cars. He’s only 4’4”.”