When tragedy befalls me and someone says, "Better you than me," I always reply, "Yes, I am better than you.

“I’m not getting fat and lazy. I’ve always been lazy. C’mon, I’m American!”

“I need either a small coffee or a large nap.”

“A blanket could be used to communicate with dolphins. Be quiet! I’m trying to t…”

“I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by…”