When your clothes are aren’t, I’ll be there trying to get invisible with you.

“I told her “Have a good weekend.” Then I thought, “Idiot. It’s Sunday night.”

“There’s a pubic hair in my soup. I’m pissed, because I paid for many more to be…”

“If my voice sounded like a dial tone, people would probably hang up on me all t…”

“One thing my grandpa taught me was never fall asleep while swimming. Or, rather…”