Wherever I go I carry around a clothes iron, a loaf of bread, and a block of cheddar, so no matter where I am I can make myself a grilled cheese sandwich.

“I converted my mechanical toothbrush into an electric screwdriver. Now it more …”

“In this moment I’m reminded of Thor tutoring me math in the second grade. Thor …”

“If love came out of exhaust pipes, like a penis that penetrated deep into one, …”

“I saw two lizards kissing yesterday, but I scared them off. Maybe I should have…”