Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don’t know these things. I’m new to politics.

“Taxes and Texas—they have the same letters, but only one can go to hell.”

“There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on t…”

“Last February had 29 days. It wasn’t a leap year, but me and 28 of my clones ea…”

“The best thing to do with a seven-year-old is wait until they’re eight to tell …”