Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name.

“I saw a white toilet, with no plumbing, alone in a field of snow. Well, almost …”

“My girlfriend has two aliases. Clones aside, it’s the only time I’ve ever felt …”

“Question for your life: If your face looked like your ass, and I’m not implying…”

“I always lift both lids of the toilet seat before I pee. Then I sit down while …”