You like vodka, and I like carpet cleaner. You should try it. It’ll put hair on your chest—really clean hair. Grandpa said it would make me a better lover, but I made me a better lover—and I made it out of clay.

“My ex was the shape of a planet, and when she wore a belt, that planet was Satu…”

“I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many hom…”

“I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though,…”

“People call me “Mustache,” because I have an eyebrow on my upper lip. When I cl…”