You’re as likely to see me sleeping on the job as a snooze is liable to grow legs 26.2 miles long and run a larm. What’s a larm? A buzzing sound the length of a marathon, but I always sleep through them—including the one in Boston.

“I was forced to eat crow. I was so embarrassed that I would have eaten any othe…”

“When I hear your name, I involuntarily clench my butt cheeks. Is that love? I d…”

“Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can…”

“Don’t be selfish and keep your thoughts locked in the cage called your skull. F…”