Equations are the devil's sentences.

Stephen Colbert


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I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

Stephen Colbert


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Baby carrots are making me gay.

Stephen Colbert

Tag: ridiculous



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I am no fan of books.

Stephen Colbert


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If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.

Stephen Colbert


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The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear

Stephen Colbert


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Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.

Stephen Colbert


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I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.

Stephen Colbert

Tag: humor



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Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

Stephen Colbert

Tag: life



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Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!

Stephen Colbert


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