A guy I grew up with recently died. I attended his funeral, but only because I thought there’d be free food afterwards. I brought to-go boxes with me. You know, to remember him for as long as I could.

“I’ll take off my coat in the restaurant and drape it over my pants, which I’ll …”

“A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people…”

“A brick could be used to disguise the fact that I’m blushing. Oh my God, I’m so…”

“If I had a hand for a penis, would a hand job be appropriate in place of a hand…”