After the first meal with a new girlfriend’s family, I always like to say, “Will you folks excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom and vomit now. Gotta keep the weight off somehow. Plus, your cooking is terrible.

“A blanket and a brick could be put in a ring and paid to fight. Compared to MMA…”

“I could put the journal in journalist, but I’d rather supply my diary.”

“I surround myself with salt, so it soaks up the humidity from my steamy solo lo…”

“The ability to lick their own asses, does this make cats their own bosses?”