Apricots are like cute furry pets you can eat—legally.

“If my love were a bagel, I’d put cream cheese on it. But it’s not a bagel, so I…”

“If I don’t clean off the bug corpses that are petrified on my bumper for looks,…”

“A blanket could be used to make all your dreams come true. Well, not all of the…”

“It’s a real pleasure accepting an award—for someone else. Especially if they ar…”