Being vulgar to be funny is a crutch, and I prefer wheelchairs.

“I’d never shoot shrapnel at a bear, because why ruin a perfectly good rug like …”

“She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is i…”

“My watch has two hands. So do I. I’d better watch my watch to see if it also ma…”

“Congress needs to act now. Seriously, leave Washington DC, move to Hollywood, a…”