Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.

“I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of li…”

“Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.”

“I wired my gas pedal to my stereo, so now when I crank up the volume the car ac…”

“I couldn’t pay the prostitute, and that’s the truth. She could have asked my wi…”