Don’t kill your wife—kill your wife’s mother, and make it look like your wife did it.

“Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipple…”

“In Jacksonville, there are more childrenless children than fatherless children.…”

“I’m looking for a girlfriend. That’s why I brought binoculars.”

“I’d rather fail to try than try and fail. But, then, I am a coward who votes wi…”