Don’t mock my dress. I’ve got a dance recital after work. You’re invited—but it’s bring your own erection. You can’t borrow mine, because I’ll need it for my performance.

“It was a dumb mistake, sleeping with her, and I learned from the experience. St…”

“He’s a monk, the fifth of his kind. I call him Monk E, and he is a primate.”

“The door of love is squeaky. Would you mind oiling it on your way out?”

“I went on a blind date—with a descendent of Helen Keller.”