English isn’t my first language—gibberish is.

“My asshole smells like a paper mill. Three cheers for being a writer.”

“Before job interviews, I think: What color tie best represents me as a person t…”

“I had a dream about you. You were Ginger Rogers, and you were trying to teach m…”

“Taxes and Texas—they have the same letters, but only one can go to hell.”