Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that’s how nostalgia works, right? We only remember the best of the available memories.

“You’re as likely to see me sleeping on the job as a snooze is liable to grow le…”

“If you make guns illegal, the only people who will have them will be criminals—…”

“A brick could be used to replace a flat tire. After all, you want to replace li…”

“When I’m 42, I’ll have 21 years of experience being 21. I’ll be doubly prepared…”