He was thoughtless, not because he was insensitive, but because I had just eaten his brain and his skull was empty.

“I have a rough marriage. It feels like sandpaper, only not as soft and gentle o…”

“I just took a shit that smelled like a dentist’s office. Open your mouth.”

“Based solely on the mustache, who would you rather be: Mark Twain, Rollie Finge…”

“Trying to put a baby back in the womb is like trying to convert a butterfly int…”