He won’t be as funny as a mountain—he’ll be hill-arious. He is my clone, and I hope he kills me for this terrible pun.

“Learning how to love is like learning how to tie your shoes, and that’s precise…”

“The only sad part for me about getting a cat from the pound is that I can only …”

“Drink my Distraction Juice (not from concentrate).
 It tastes like love, only n…”

“I want to have negative three kids. Or three negative kids.”