I always leave the toilet seat up. It’s just easier to wash my hair that way.

“A brick could be used to stop war. Logically, a non-brick could be used to star…”

“I dance like I have a chip on my shoulder. I dance salsa.”

“You wouldn’t try to mow your lawn with an electric razor, like it was a green b…”

“I got some body work done. Both to my car, and to my clone. Now my car looks li…”