I believe two gays have just as much right to marry as one guy has the right to commit suicide. I mean, you're killing yourself either way, except in marriage it’s assisted suicide.

“I make ridiculous like I make damn sure nobody sees me while I’m making it.”

“She said “I love you,” and I said the only thing I could say: “How about every …”

“I’ve got better things to think about than thoughtlessness.”

“Women won’t sleep with me for the same reason that I don’t pay for sex—I don’t …”