I call masturbating “Gregging,” named not after a man named Greg, but a guy named Dave.

“It’s amazing how my whole body can be covered up in bed except for one inch on …”

“I’ll never be as old as someone older than me, but I can be older than them if …”

“I really relate to you,” I said to my dad. “I can tell we’re in the same boat, …”

“I like my eggs sunny side up at midnight, and I wear sunglasses when I eat them…”